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World's Worst Facebook Statuses

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bicyclelegs
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Gender: Gender:Male Age: 46
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Location: Rochedale South, QLD, Australia
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Post: 301   Posted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 9:43 pm   Reply with quote

bicyclelegs is in a relationship with Satan.
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Fry: Isn't there anything else you can tell me?
Vogel: Nah. Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time.
Fry: That's impossible because my time is worthless!

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ChesterfieldSnapdragonMcF
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Last Visit: 06 Jun 2017
Posts: 11057 Topics: 49
Location: Montreal!
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votes: 9

Post: 302   Posted: Fri Jul 12, 2013 3:56 pm   Reply with quote

My school principal just accepted my friend request. I hope he won't dig through my profile and see my status where I called him a fat ugly idiot!
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"500 points a peach." - Drew Carey

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bicyclelegs
Moderator
Moderator



Gender: Gender:Male Age: 46
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 17 Jun 2014
Posts: 10313 Topics: 11
Location: Rochedale South, QLD, Australia
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Reputation: 2444.7
votes: 9

Post: 303   Posted: Sat Jul 13, 2013 12:55 am   Reply with quote

I broke my record for longest masturbation session today!
_________________
Fry: Isn't there anything else you can tell me?
Vogel: Nah. Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time.
Fry: That's impossible because my time is worthless!

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cwjakesteel
Improv Master
Improv Master



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 29 Jan 2017
Posts: 4695 Topics: 18
Location: Jamaica
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Reputation: 1542.1
votes: 18

Post: 304   Posted: Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:36 pm   Reply with quote

bicyclelegs wrote:
I broke my record for longest masturbation session today!


*reply* I bet I can top you!

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Dinkleberg....

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DriftyAlison0
Nobody Laughs
Nobody Laughs



Gender: Gender:Female Age: 30
Joined: 27 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 23 Oct 2017
Posts: 237 Topics: 8
Location: Cedar Rapids Iowa
Reputation: 948.9
votes: 1

Post: 305   Posted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 1:00 pm   Reply with quote

*reply* I can beat everyone. I once masturbated for a whole day.
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If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you

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ChesterfieldSnapdragonMcF
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Gender: Gender:Female
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 06 Jun 2017
Posts: 11057 Topics: 49
Location: Montreal!
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votes: 9

Post: 306   Posted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 6:06 pm   Reply with quote

*reply*
Only one day? Huh. Amateur. I once went for 4 days straight and never used the same porn twice!

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DriftyAlison0
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Gender: Gender:Female Age: 30
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Last Visit: 23 Oct 2017
Posts: 237 Topics: 8
Location: Cedar Rapids Iowa
Reputation: 948.9
votes: 1

Post: 307   Posted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 11:55 pm   Reply with quote

*reply* I am currently breaking my record as we speak. I can do it with no porn since I have it all in my head.
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cwjakesteel
Improv Master
Improv Master



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 29 Jan 2017
Posts: 4695 Topics: 18
Location: Jamaica
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Reputation: 1542.1
votes: 18

Post: 308   Posted: Sat Jul 20, 2013 11:53 pm   Reply with quote

*reply* How can I know you guys aren't faking it? Let's meet at the playground at 3:00 to showdown!
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Dinkleberg....

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bicyclelegs
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Gender: Gender:Male Age: 46
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 17 Jun 2014
Posts: 10313 Topics: 11
Location: Rochedale South, QLD, Australia
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Reputation: 2444.7
votes: 9

Post: 309   Posted: Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:34 am   Reply with quote

*reply* Wankers! Wink
_________________
Fry: Isn't there anything else you can tell me?
Vogel: Nah. Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time.
Fry: That's impossible because my time is worthless!

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ChesterfieldSnapdragonMcF
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Gender: Gender:Female
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Last Visit: 06 Jun 2017
Posts: 11057 Topics: 49
Location: Montreal!
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votes: 9

Post: 310   Posted: Mon Jul 22, 2013 7:17 pm   Reply with quote

I forgot how to update my Facebook status. Damn.
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ChesterfieldSnapdragonMcF
Moderator
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Gender: Gender:Female
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 06 Jun 2017
Posts: 11057 Topics: 49
Location: Montreal!
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Reputation: 3345.5
votes: 9

Post: 311   Posted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 4:38 pm   Reply with quote

Can you swat fruit flies with a fly swatter?
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ChipEstenismyhusband
Improv Emperor
Improv Emperor



Gender: Gender:Female Age: 25
Joined: 22 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 02 Jun 2014
Posts: 7026 Topics: 9
Location: Washington
Reputation: 1724.9
votes: 11

Post: 312   Posted: Tue Aug 20, 2013 8:44 pm   Reply with quote

I really hate when I miss the toilet.
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Chip: He's the farmer's daughter's father.
Drew: In other words, the farmer.
Chip: Do I even get one point?
Drew: No.

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DriftyAlison0
Nobody Laughs
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Gender: Gender:Female Age: 30
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Last Visit: 23 Oct 2017
Posts: 237 Topics: 8
Location: Cedar Rapids Iowa
Reputation: 948.9
votes: 1

Post: 313   Posted: Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:42 pm   Reply with quote

*Reply* I missed the toilet today by a long shot and crapped and pissed myself on tv.
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ChesterfieldSnapdragonMcF
Moderator
Moderator



Gender: Gender:Female
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 06 Jun 2017
Posts: 11057 Topics: 49
Location: Montreal!
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Reputation: 3345.5
votes: 9

Post: 314   Posted: Fri Aug 23, 2013 1:58 pm   Reply with quote

DriftyAlison0 wrote:
*Reply* I missed the toilet today by a long shot and crapped and pissed myself on tv.


Comment: You mean you were on a TV show where you were supposed to use a toilet on TV? I should be on that show!

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DriftyAlison0
Nobody Laughs
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Gender: Gender:Female Age: 30
Joined: 27 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 23 Oct 2017
Posts: 237 Topics: 8
Location: Cedar Rapids Iowa
Reputation: 948.9
votes: 1

Post: 315   Posted: Fri Aug 23, 2013 5:57 pm   Reply with quote

*reply* I was on the news for the see through toilet and I was so excited I sat on the toilet with my pants on and when I got up and felt the chunks go down my pants I realized my mistake. There is even a youtube link that leads to it (inserts link).
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If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you

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cwjakesteel
Improv Master
Improv Master



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 29 Jan 2017
Posts: 4695 Topics: 18
Location: Jamaica
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Reputation: 1542.1
votes: 18

Post: 316   Posted: Thu Feb 26, 2015 10:53 pm   Reply with quote

*reply* omg I hate when that happens. I'd absolutely hate if anyone else knew that happens to me frequently.
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Dinkleberg....

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DriftyAlison0
Nobody Laughs
Nobody Laughs



Gender: Gender:Female Age: 30
Joined: 27 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 23 Oct 2017
Posts: 237 Topics: 8
Location: Cedar Rapids Iowa
Reputation: 948.9
votes: 1

Post: 317   Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 10:21 pm   Reply with quote

Dreampt of my elderly female boss naked again today.
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If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you

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cwjakesteel
Improv Master
Improv Master



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 29 Jan 2017
Posts: 4695 Topics: 18
Location: Jamaica
jm.gif

Reputation: 1542.1
votes: 18

Post: 318   Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 11:51 pm   Reply with quote

Wishing I were a proctologist...
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Dinkleberg....

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DriftyAlison0
Nobody Laughs
Nobody Laughs



Gender: Gender:Female Age: 30
Joined: 27 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 23 Oct 2017
Posts: 237 Topics: 8
Location: Cedar Rapids Iowa
Reputation: 948.9
votes: 1

Post: 319   Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 5:39 pm   Reply with quote

Wishing that my poop would smell better.
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cwjakesteel
Improv Master
Improv Master



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 29 Jan 2017
Posts: 4695 Topics: 18
Location: Jamaica
jm.gif

Reputation: 1542.1
votes: 18

Post: 320   Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 6:55 pm   Reply with quote

DriftyAlison0 wrote:
Wishing that my poop would smell better.


Comment: That's not tru ur poop totally smells good gurl. Your poop's fragrance is so so good, dont go around sayin that.

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Dinkleberg....


Last edited by cwjakesteel on Sun Mar 01, 2015 6:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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ChesterfieldSnapdragonMcF
Moderator
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Gender: Gender:Female
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 06 Jun 2017
Posts: 11057 Topics: 49
Location: Montreal!
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Reputation: 3345.5
votes: 9

Post: 321   Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 7:02 pm   Reply with quote

Did you know that if you drink too much red wine, your puke can be purple?
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DriftyAlison0
Nobody Laughs
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Gender: Gender:Female Age: 30
Joined: 27 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 23 Oct 2017
Posts: 237 Topics: 8
Location: Cedar Rapids Iowa
Reputation: 948.9
votes: 1

Post: 322   Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2015 8:24 pm   Reply with quote

*Reply* Try white wine. Your puke will be the pink color.
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If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you

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cwjakesteel
Improv Master
Improv Master



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 29 Jan 2017
Posts: 4695 Topics: 18
Location: Jamaica
jm.gif

Reputation: 1542.1
votes: 18

Post: 323   Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2015 10:52 pm   Reply with quote

*Reply* Do you guys think that is a creative way to teach my daughter about colours on her first birthday?
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Dinkleberg....

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ChesterfieldSnapdragonMcF
Moderator
Moderator



Gender: Gender:Female
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 06 Jun 2017
Posts: 11057 Topics: 49
Location: Montreal!
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Reputation: 3345.5
votes: 9

Post: 324   Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 2:18 pm   Reply with quote

If I enter a song contest with a song about zits, will they automatically reject my entry?
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"500 points a peach." - Drew Carey

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cwjakesteel
Improv Master
Improv Master



Gender: Gender:Male
Joined: 23 Jan 2012
Last Visit: 29 Jan 2017
Posts: 4695 Topics: 18
Location: Jamaica
jm.gif

Reputation: 1542.1
votes: 18

Post: 325   Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 10:28 pm   Reply with quote

Hey guys! Aparently going to the ER to get stuff removed from your rectum isn't that uncommon!
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Dinkleberg....

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